I don't mean to be morbid, but there is always the chance that a traveller could die overseas. (It sounds so much more palatable when I speak of my death in 3rd person). Heaven forbid it should happen, but here goes a weak stab at laying out my will for God and the free world to have documented.
1. All monetary possessions go to my two sons. trust me...you'll still need a job!
2. All rings, necklaces, journals, should be divided amongst those who want to fight over them. Remember that whatever you own...owns you.
3. My faithful car - give it to the son who's car was most recently in the shop. Please clean it once a decade...whether it needs it or not.
Okay so for the record... I'm perfectly fine with staying in Europe. It's kinda cool if you think about it.
Distant relative: So where's Steve?"
Mom: "Uhhhh...Europe!"
Distant relative: Oh that's nice!
Mom: Yes, very nice.
Distant relative: he must really like Europe.
Mom: He better!
See? Isn't that fun? Perpetually traveling??
Okay some people need more closure and that is fine by me, but I don't see any reason for someone to have to pay megabucks to fly a dead body back...as if the body knows a difference. Surely, you shouldn't have to pay more to fly me back than I paid to fly over there! But if someone really needs the closure, expect the European morgue to know that they have you by the short hairs and want to charge you an arm an a leg (oops) to return the body. If that's the case, don't be stupid.
Hmm.... who can I recruit that will do this tiny little task as I want it done?
Hmm.... I want my three brothers to go to Europe to get me. Come fetch me, Lee, Danny and Raymond!!
Europe will never be the same when my brothers hit their shores:
European undertaker: (somber organ music) Uh yes,... I suppose you are here to retrieve... the body... of your loved... one
brother Lee: Well....possibly.
European undertaker: Possibly??
brother Danny: Yeah, we told him that he was crazy to go to Europe at his age.
European undertaker: Well... there's the death tax, the burial tax, the shipping tax, the city tax and of course we have the ROON tax?
brother Raymond: ROON tax?
European undertaker: Ran Out OF Names tax. It's rather significant, however!
brother Lee: Hmmphh! Ya gotta number or are we suppose to guess how much is it?
European undertaker: $20,000
brother Raymond: Oh heck no! That's about 20,000 beers!
European undertaker: Are you measuring your brother's final resting place in... beers?
European undertaker: Are you measuring your brother's final resting place in... beers?
brother Danny: Heck no! That's about 4,000 CC&7's!
European undertaker: CC& 7's???
brother Danny: Canadian Club and 7 Up... you don't get out much do you?
brother Lee: Ya know what? I spotted a billboard on the way from the airport that said, "Cremations for only $400".
brother Raymond: Why don't we just build a bonfire?
brother Danny: Yeah we can build a big ol' bonfire and just cremate him down on the beach!
Be it so saythed... I will haunt ANYONE who spends GOOD money to bring back a BAD body to the States. And you pretty much gotta figure that if my body is dead...it's as bad as it gets.
If, however, you want to make a party out of it, feel free to take 10 grand from my savings, (sorry boys) and go over to wherever I am, cremate me, rent a beach house for a couple of weeks and when you're done, throw my ashes into the ocean.
... luaus??
60's party??
so so so lame!
A cremation party! Now that's kickin'! How fun!!! Finally I can go a party and I won't have to dance!
